Archive - The Cock Report

Confusion Reigns Supreme

by CKReporter @ 2008-02-15 – 10:30:20

I think the allure of Gumtree is starting to dissipate, whether there are to many guys out there who are more persistent, provocative, or just fucking interesting in their postings, or women that are just trying to get poor schmuks to sign up to websites, all the responding to posts which I've done, and the reposting of come get me ads has proven to be a very demoralising episode.

To round of this sorry chapter which surely needs to be closed, I get a text from a young lady saying I wrote her a very lovely message and whether I was still looking for good times. And she signs off her message with an Indian sounding name. I’m thinking to myself, well it could be any of a hundred fucking messages (slight exaggeration) but I guess if I responded to it, I must have been relatively interested (or horny more to the point). And of course I be loving the sub-continent women. I text back saying I’m around in Camden for the next couple of days, come and check me. Quick as a flash she’s like I’m got some class in Kings Cross, but I’ll phone you when I’ve done to see about a meet.

I say fair enough, knowing that if there is anything I’ve learned in the last little while, is don’t get your fucking hopes up. Yesterday evening, times a ticking away, 8:30 comes, 9:00 passes through, 9:30 says hello then fucks off. I’m thinking this is some fucking late class. Not so much pissed off by it, just thinking why say something if you aint gonna follow through with it. Maybe it’s a guy thing, I don’t know.

Now just as the last part of a programme I’m watching (Baby Bible Bashers by the way, nutty shit I thought) comes up, this babes calls me and says I’m just by Camden Lock come and say hello. In my mind I’m like what the fuck, I’m fucking cosy, I’m watching something that’s pretty interesting, and you want to say a quick hello. A greeting which may lead to getting my end away I can kind of get with, but just to see what we are like, nah, in for a penny in for a pound. But being the curious type I’m like fair fucking enuff. Put some clothes on then trot up there.

Get up to the lock, I don’t see this girl, so I call her, she says she’s in the bar, and that she’ll come out. I hear a voice calling me, don’t know where the fuck it’s coming from, it gets louder, I clock it’s behind me. It’s dark can’t make out the person, get closer, again what do I find myself with, a situation where I wonder what the fuck. Standing in front of me is a larger than average lady who is black. Of course I haven’t got a problem with the sisters, it’s just I was expecting some hot petite Indian chicky. On her part she was expecting someone with longer hair. Go figure.

I was dying to ask what the fuck did I put in this email, as I don’t have a fucking clue who this woman is. But in the delicate situation, she was a little standoffish if I was to be honest; I thought diplomacy is the better part of valour. We have a little bit of a convo, establish that we are pretty busy over the next couple, but there may be the chance of a hook up tonight. In saying that I was kind of thinking of going out with my boys again – I don’t know, the hassle of trying to get it on with a big chick just doesn’t sound that appealing. It’s just I’m so curious about what she said she wanted, and what she liked in the message I replied to. Maybe I was the only schmo that did. Decisions fucking decisions.

Battle of The Sexes

by CKReporter @ 2008-02-04 – 11:12:20

Yes Folks. For those of you who may have already travelled this road, apologies, but for me this is something I'm finding quite incredulous and obviously very funny at the same time. To back track somewhat I must have blasted off a good 30 emails to women in various places about getting together in the past few weeks. The only responses I get are the ones pointing me to a website to register where I can 'meet up' with these various ladies. That is something I have not done. My sexual cravings have not got to a point yet where I feel the need to part with hard earned cash in order to have a possibility of meeting up with some slutty women. And the longer this goes on the more I think they don't actually exist, and its just the brainchild of a band of internet entrepreneurs knowing that the allure of sex is something that bored, lonely or desperate men cannot easily turn away from. Well if that's the case, they are bloody right, because ever time I see a woman proclaiming that she wants some NSA sex I'm completely fooled. And to show it's a disease that affects a great deal of others I carried out a bit of an experiment yesterday. I am not proud of this, I was just curious, so to any males who are out there reading this and responding to any ads I can assure you there was nothing malicious intended. Promise.

As I said at the end of last week I found the wonders of the 'casual relationships' section on Gumtree. Fabulous I thought, women saying they want this in this hole, and this somewhere else or anywhere else for that matter. Like a besotted schoolboy I whirled off emails, thinking out of the laws of probability there must be at least one woman whose particular tastes I would be to. As I've said it was all bullshit. Or is it not? And am I just the cunt that is not getting a shag, no way to tell of course, but I thought I'd try something.

Under that heading on Gumtree I posted a couple of ads, one for the girls and one for the guys. The one looking for horny lads went something like this "I am horny and lonely, need some hard cock to relieve my boredom. Do you think you can handle a hot thing like me? Mail me with a face pic and we'll see how hard and long you can go." The one for the ladies was singing my virtues, and proclaiming the truthful (of course) wonders that this stud muffin can offer. I can assure you it was a little more lyrical than that. From within two minutes of posting that add to the guys I already had 3 replies. Throughout the course of the day, the mails kept coming and coming, and coming some more. Every few minutes another bloke with hopes and expectations would be firing off a mail, until at the last count this morning there were 217 messages sitting in an inbox. I was expecting a few, but fuck, I got emails at 2, 3, 4, even 6 in the morning. I haven't gone through them all there doesn't seem to be much point, but looking at some of them, obviously there are a number of guys that haven't got a clue how to respond to an ad like that. In the ad I clearly say, send a 'face pic', not a chest pic, or a cock pic, but one of your fucking face. Out of the ones I've opened, most of them either don't even have a pic or of something that this woman didn't ask for. Like her, what the fuck would I want to go through looking at those things for. And the level of some of these responses is truly pathetic. You don't know this woman, she wants sex, she's offering something to you, I would have thought to the average bloke who is going to respond to something like this, might put some effort into the fucking thing they write. You get things like 'I want you babes, phone me...' or 'I can go longer and harder than anybody else...', this is bollocks. I am not a woman, but I would have thought trying to be a bit interesting would maybe help your case. You see it’s arses like that who spoil the chances of the blokes who have got a bit of gumption about them and put a bit of effort into what they say. So if any of those posts are actually real, which I imagine one or two may be, who the fuck would want to go through two hundred odd emails listening to a load of prattling shit. But I suppose if you are desperate enough you would. But the thing that I find quite funny is that for a woman to get sex is so much easier than a guy anyway so why would you go to all that trouble? I can see it’s easier and more convenient, then you get all the shy ones, and not so hot ones, but still would you go to that effort. Don't know, like I said, I'm not a bird.

Oh, and the other post, about a super hot black guy looking for NSA, well when I went to bed it had a grand total of absolutely fuck all. But, logging in this morning, there was one that did come in just before midnight, so I guess there is a small tiny crumb of comfort in that. But to be honest, I think I'm clutching at straws, face it, being a bloke looking for free sex, it doesn't exist, like most things in life you get what you pay for. And if you not paying, you not getting.

And So The Games Continue

by CKReporter @ 2008-02-01 – 10:51:29

Again thank you to all those people that passed through yesterday to take in the ramblings of this fellow. Or if it's the same person clicking multiple times, I thank you even more. But I can see that none of you went to the trouble of dropping me a line. Hmmm. Nothing to say, or can't be bothered, the conundrum of modern times I would say. Like I said it would be nice if a dialogue could be got, but I guess I should just be grateful that you took the trouble to pass through, but of course I'm not there must be more. Only kidding.

Yesterday I stumbled across a new form of entertainment one which kept me gnashing my teeth for a good part of a day, interspersed by the odd couple of hours of work just for the record. I went onto Gumtree, that purveyor of finding accommodation, vehicles and other assorted good bits at reasonable fair. Clicking through looking for a cheap weight set, as I think the time has come to redevelop ones physical attributes as the winter months slowly dissipate, what do I set my eyes upon? A section of this website geared towards the meeting of the sexes. Imagine my shock and horror at just trying to go about what was hopefully going to be a normal day, and I find a section entitled "casual relationships" inundated with women looking for a whole plethora of sexual liaisons. Imagine ones sheer delight; is this my perverse nirvana, my goal, an ability to indulge in variety with no strings? Well that's what I was hoping for anyway. Scanning through, I'm looking for my most ideal, women of colour (Asian, oriental & black) over twenty-three shall we say, young fucks aren't really that appealing, and the issue of legality seems to play on my mind for some reason when I think of anything younger looking for NSA dirtiness.

There are a number that fit the bill, and even quite a few that don't but whom I'm willing to try, just in case the laws of averages is against me again. On here I see a bored housewife home alone, looking for somebody to come round and fuck her "rigid". Hoping it was nothing to do with necrophilia, I fired off a response. There was a young lady who said she was bored at work and wanted to exchange dirty emails with a possibility of meeting later, I'm into fantasy roles, send off a hint of what games we could play. A woman who loves to squirt; a slutty bitch who has a hotel room in Liverpool Street and is looking for someone to come over and do the do, and so on and so on. I would say again there must have been posts of double digits which I reply to, thinking some of these must come through, because why else would they be fucking posting on a section of the website where people want to meet up.

Well it seems the slutty housewife must have had a better offer even though I was free and close, because she never got back to me. The horny office worker must have found some other typing to do. The black bitch, who simply likes to get her arse and cunt licked out by black guys, didn't think much of this one, and so forth and so forth. The replies I do get, one from TraceyMilf who says the only way to meet up with her is through AdultFriendFinder (a good site joined years ago, but again never paid for shit), although I must say she sent me a couple of pictures, and that is certainly a honey you wouldn't mind infiltrating, mother or no mother. And then a Spanish bird said the same thing, that all her pics and phone number where in her profile on AFF and that was the best way of contacting her, and here's a link. Now I'm thinking if those women are on this site, there are how many fucking people on there, why the fuck would you need to stick an add on Gumtree to meet someone when it has got to be easy as fuck to meet someone from there. Doesn't need much of my brain capacity to work that one out.

But wait, i get a message back from the slut in the London hotel with attachments I see, and the woman who travels to the UK often and is always lonely, have both dropped me a line. With eager anticipation I open up the one in the hotel for the next couple of nights, after all it's immediate and close. You know what this fucker has writen, "hi there
and thanks for getting back to me, I’m a feminine convincing tranny ( so im told) who love to be slutty and meet straight horny guys for hotel fun". This is not a fucking woman! It is a fucking bloke who likes to dress up as a fucking woman (although rather convincing if those pictures are anything to go by). I haven't got a problem with TV's, or any kind of sexual fucking peccadillo, but the point of the matter is, I have been done under the Trade Descriptions. At what point does a slutty woman equate to a bloke with a big arse dressed in a negligee and baby heels? Have I missed something, the TWO ARE NOT THE SAME! Imagine I sent my contact details, urrrrgggghhhh! Not amused. The only saving grace, and it is a very marginal one for the whole day, is the babe who leaves in Cleveland, and gets lonely in London. She asked me a couple of questions, then sent me a couple of pictures, one an arse shot on a picture website in the states, but as yet it doesn't seem to iffy. But I'm just waiting for the 'if you sign up free..." bollocks. Who said trying to track down some free pum-pum could be such a head-fuck (and an apparent waste of time).

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